My favorite star ( my mama) !!!!!

I thought I would stop by...it's been a while since I last wrote on my blog. I can say it's because I have been really busy, but that's not the truth. Well, I have been a little busy...but.. mostly lazy. I'll myself I'm going to post today but then I'm like, not. I am going to see my mama on Tuesday. I talk with her on the phone but I need to go see her. She had some bad news given to her on Saturday. She was told she has 1-3 months to live. That's a lot to take. My sister called me and told me that my favorite star in my life is dimming out and one day it will be burned out.

My mama had to have open heart surgery and since then she's had so many problems. She was told she has a mild case of Cirrhosis of the Liver. I was like what the heck!! My mama doesn't drink. I have since found out that you can have that without drinking. Come to find out that the medicine she was given during her surgery messed her up, that helped cause her having Cirrhosis of the liver. My sister(Gail) told me she thought mama would take the news really bad, but mama told Gail that she had a dream last week about the doctors telling her she didn't have much longer to live.

My mama hasn't had the greatest of lives. I have always want to get lots & lots of money to take care of her and now that's not possible. Gail and my mama talked about it and Gail told her that if she's ready to go it's okay, mama told her the only thing is keeping her here is us...all the kids. She said she wouldn't be able to see us any longer. My sister said that made it so much harder to listen to. I can not image not being able to talk to her, give her a hug,send her a card. I have not cried yet because I feel like if I allow myself that privilege to ease my pain that way I wouldn't stop.

So, I'm waiting until after she's gone. Do I sound like I don't care? My sister Gail was crying when she told me and when I called my sister Cindy, she started crying and I haven't cried once. Am I being reasonable, thinking that it'll hit me after she's gone? I don't know, I know when I see mama on Tuesday she'll tell me that this will happen to me if I don't take care of myself. I'm a diabetic and I have trouble with my liver now. I have a fat patch on my liver and I have to eat low fat or nonfat foods. I know I have to look out for myself..my health but at times I'm like who the hell cares, I'll eat what I want to. But now, I have to do better about my health because I don't want to get that line that she got on Saturday... you have 1-3 months to live. Is it better knowing that you're dying or is it best to be blissful by not knowing? I can't image hearing those words but I know I will if I don;t get my health straightened out. I'm not fat and That's what I keep telling myself... you're not fat so you're okay. My favorite star is dimming and all I want it to do is shine bright forever.